Control Freak...

Anyone who has dared to ever made plans with me has learned that I’m not exactly thrilled when things suddenly change. It’s not because I’m a control freak who insists on everything going exactly my way. No, it’s because changing plans feels like pulling the rug out from under me, leaving me scrambling to find my balance in a situation I’ve carefully structured to keep myself from falling apart.

Here’s the deal: When I make plans, I don’t just think about where we’re going or what we’ll be doing. I’m also thinking through all the ways I’ll need to manage my energy, my stress levels, and my need to decompress. I’ve mapped out how the day will go—not just the events themselves, but the mental and emotional pacing I’ll need to get through it without getting overwhelmed. Every detail has been considered: where I can find quiet spaces, how long I’ll need to recharge, what triggers to avoid, and how to troubleshoot if things go off track.

So when plans suddenly change, it’s not just an inconvenience—it’s a full-on disruption of everything I’ve carefully put in place to keep myself functioning. It means that all the mental preparation I’ve done, all the little strategies I’ve lined up to help me navigate the day, suddenly go out the window. Now, I’m stuck in an unfamiliar situation, trying to recalibrate on the fly, and let me tell you—that’s not something I do well.

And that’s what terrifies me. It’s not the change itself, but the fear that I won’t be able to cope with it. That I’ll be stuck at an outing, feeling overwhelmed and unable to find my way back to a place of calm. That I’ll lose my ability to troubleshoot, to navigate the social and sensory demands of the situation, and end up spiraling into a state of anxiety or shutdown. It’s not about needing control for control’s sake—it’s about needing stability to feel safe and capable.

So, when I push back against changing plans, it’s not because I’m being rigid or inflexible. It’s because I’m trying to protect myself from a situation that feels like it could unravel everything I’ve worked so hard to hold together. It’s because I know my limits, and I know how easily I can be pushed past them when the structure I’ve relied on suddenly collapses.

So... If plans do need to change, giving me as much advance notice as possible can make a huge difference. And if it’s possible to keep certain elements of the original plan intact—like the timing or location—that can help me feel more grounded, even in the face of change.

So, the next time I seem resistant to changing plans, just know that it’s not because I’m trying to be difficult. It’s because I’m trying to keep myself from getting overwhelmed in a world that can feel chaotic and unpredictable.

Oh, and when life is lifing and things do have to change... just give me a few minutes to reboot and maybe do a software update, please. I'll restart, eventually.

Summary of Key Points:

• I’m not a control freak, but I need stability in plans because changes can disrupt my carefully thought-out strategies for managing stress and energy.

• Changing plans means losing the mental and emotional preparation I’ve done to ensure I don’t get overwhelmed.

• My fear isn’t the change itself, but the possibility that I won’t be able to cope with it, leading to anxiety or shutdown.

• I struggle with troubleshooting on the spot, so sudden changes leave me feeling unprepared and anxious.

• Understanding and advance notice can help me adjust to changes more easily, as it allows me to re-plan and regain a sense of control over the situation.